I think. I woke up this morning, and felt so sad. So completely sad, for no apparent reason. I soon got myself out of it, and said bye to Shaun, and decided today wasn’t a day for work – I’d had coffee yesterday, and I don’t think that helped me either. I think my days of going to the West End are over now – it’s too tiring.
So I went into daydream mode. I daydream-slept about giving birth, how Shaun was at work, how the train from his work to St Helier broke down, how I was on my own (although sometimes my mum was there), how I gave birth, how I couldn’t get to the hospital, so drove myself there, but my mum got there, and how he arrived and I cried my eyes out as I’d given birth, and he wasn’t there to be with me. God, I bawled. Then madam started kicking me, in a loving way, and so I chatted with her, told her I’m looking forward to meeting her a lot, and it isn’t too much longer now. I figure if I write about my dreams, they wont come true like that. I don’t want to be on my own.
It’s all really surreal, and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing – not about giving birth, I want our baby more than anything, it’s just what to do with life once it re-starts again. I know things can change…
I also know all these feelings are completely normal. I want to write baby a letter that she can only open when she’s eighteen, of all the things I want and hope for her, but I don’t have a clue what to write. But I know what I feel, if that makes sense. Oh god, it’s all so difficult.