My back pain still hasn’t gone away. It flares up from time to time, things like sitting in a different kind of chair, or just lying uncomfortably. Taking it easy and moving around carefully seems to fix it, but in a rare moment of having some time to think this morning, I remembered how it used to be before my back hurt.

1. I used to drive into work every day.

2. I would change our bedsheets every week and have a good washing routine for all our clothes, bedding and towels.

3. I’d vacuum all over the house and have a fairly dust-free sort of place.

4. I had Tuesday nights free to watch tv.

Whereas these days my life has changed, sometimes I wonder forever.

1. I take the train every day. The 7.29 is my best choice, mainly as I can get a seat. If I go for the 7.45 there’s a chance I may have to stand all the way. Sometimes it’s manageable, other times it isn’t. Having back pain is something weird, like, you don’t wear a badge saying ‘baby on board’ even though it could have been a baby which was once on board which made the back be such a problem in the first place. Or sometimes the train just gets reduced to a 5 carriage from a 10. Then I’ll often go as far as Mitcham Junction and take the tram, hopeful of a seat (no chance at all of that).

2. I can’t remember when we last changed the bedsheets. Actually, it was last night, but before that? Maybe four weeks ago. It isn’t a priority any more, keeping the house clean is painful. I have mentioned getting a cleaner and we could afford to. It’s something I should consider if only for a cleaner house.

3. Same as above. I can’t remember the last time. I did vacuum up where H had been playing with PlayDoh that had dried out, but that was all.

4. I go to pilates every week now, to stretch, control my core and work on it so that one day I won’t be in pain. I’ve been doing this for over two years now – from when we were very skint and most of our money went on childcare, to now when we’ve actually got some money and I don’t feel so guilty for going.

my back

I don’t think anyone realises how annoying back pain can be. You do something, you do it fine. You feel normal again, and then five minutes later a little sciatic pain pricks you all down your lower back to the top of your legs, reminding you that you may have just overdone it a little tiny bit, and that actually, sitting down and concentrating is something your little niggly pinchy sciatic nerve doesn’t want you to do.

So you go to the Osteopath at £40 a time. It works, but eventually something clicks back. Around now you’ll wish you were made of Lego so someone could just piece you back together. You think you know what your problem is but nobody can actually confirm. You go for a swim after getting the all-clear from the osteo and have pains all down your legs and pelvis for two days.

I am considering doing my induction at the gym; as cycling is my next course of action to make it all stop.

Oh, and add to all the aches and pains, when it’s bad you can’t turn over in your sleep without waking up, mainly to get comfortable again. When you’re tired you hit the pillow and that’s it, but when you’re in pain you have a horrid night of sleep. Or it passes in stages through the night.

You put your child on your knee to give them a cuddle, and something stretches in your back, and won’t stop stretching.

Fun times, right? I would love to be put into some kind of mummified cast from the waist down which would stop everything moving for as long as whatever is wrong to heal, if only I could get answers to find out what it is. The pain doesn’t stop me doing anything, it just slows everything right down. Imagine a life in fast motion, that’s when things are fine. Then it s-l-o-w-s right down and you get very little done.

Frustrating. Stupid back.