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That’s it, I’m beat. The end of the line is so close, but my body is so tired now, and I just want to rest. I’ve two days left at work this year, and then I can take the holiday I’ve accrued and just stop and have a month off. My holiday accounts for almost three weeks – so despite having time off sick (which was high due to being signed off with my back problems for three weeks, plus I was in hospital and off for another week) I’ve not actually had a proper rest this year. A holiday, even. I find it unfair that if H is sick that we have to use holiday if we need to take the day off, (or unpaid which isn’t an option) though I understand why (which is another reason I’ve not used much holiday, I was convinced H was going to get chicken pox, but she’s dodged it three times now).

I go to work to get out of childcare. That probably sounds wrong and bad, but it means the time H and I have together is proper quality mummy and daughter time, and I love it. I’ve gone over and over in my head whether I could be a full time mum, and I don’t think I could. (and I admire anyone who does, my own mum included, who stopped work until my sister and I were at school)

I’ve also thought about taking some Home Study, getting a skill. I left school in 1986 with five qualifications to my name, and a shedload of experience since – but I’m finding that what I’d like to do and what I’m doing are two different things… has anyone tried Home Study? I was thinking along the lines of website building, lesser so the design. It’s something I can do in my own time, but something I also wonder if I’d be taken more seriously if I had a qualification? Plus it’s something that should pay for H’s childcare on days I could work from home (although I’m guessing once qualified she’d be at school anyway). I’ve worked in music since 1992, and I’m finding I’m just not following things as closely as I did before I went on maternity leave – I don’t need to know what’s going on any more, and that job was taken away from me on my return from my leave, and a new job was created for me.

I’m not talking about leaving my current job, but you never know how the market goes. We’ve had a good year with music (thankyou Adele) and my work and her music is keeping me extremely busy, but you can never be confident your job is safe; it’s always good to have a backup plan.

This afternoon we’re going to brave Croydon. This may be a bad idea, I’m not entirely sure. There’s presents to be bought and a daddy who has exams in less than two weeks who needs to study. Oh, and there’s me. I had two glasses (small) of red wine last night and I feel hungover. What a lightweight.