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H had her dance class at nursery this morning – and it was one of the rare ones that parents get invited to. I got there five minutes before the class was due to start and sat with the other parents. H’s teacher came in, and they all did individual register, H was SO quiet but I heard her little mumble. It’s the same little mumble she does at Dramabuds when she’s asked her name there before she comes right out of her shell and joins in.

So then I saw thirty minutes of various dance movements, the children pairing up and doing various things, and again I saw it. She didn’t seem confident, she seemed like she’d taken a step back from it. She knew I was there so that could have contributed towards it, but it felt (to me) like she wasn’t having fun – and she should have as it was a good fun class. She’s a very serious little girl is H.

All the parents had cameras except me. Which is kind of weird as I take so many photos of everything, but I didn’t want to take any. I wanted to watch and enjoy and talk with H about it later on – there was a constant whirr of cameras and videos which was easy to block out. So then it came.

Near the end they all did an individual twirl and curtsy or bow, and I knew the tears were going to happen. It wasn’t even H when they came, it was other people’s children (I just looked on in sadness as she was last, the music stopped and they told her to wait as it would re-start, but she went anyway and did a little twirl and half a curtsy in silence). I sat there with my scrap of hanky trying to dab my eyes discreetly and failing miserably. I may as well have sobbed out loud too. But it wasn’t just the cuteness. I was watching my little girl be distant from her friends, and it upset me. She was being very much included in it, but was still quite a way apart from it.

Which brings me on to my next slight worry. Her hearing. She’s doing that toddler thing of not listening to us – but I’m now starting to wonder if there’s something more going on. I’m observing for now – she can’t inherit my problems this early on, I didn’t have trouble until my late teens… so yes, observing. I know it’s a phase which is why I’m not too panicky, but it’s there.

So yes, I cried. I was the only one. Everyone else was laughing and saying “awwww” and I was hiding behind the world trying not to look conspicuous because I had tears. I wanted to pick up my little girl and cuddle her and tell her it was okay – as she didn’t seem okay.

Fast forward to tonight and she said what a brilliant time she’d had at her dance lesson, and could I come and watch again. I’m really not sure what to make of this toddler lark any more.