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Jetlag sucks. Okay, it isn’t life threatening or anything, but it’s still a pain and can be quite inconvenient. If you have felt the floor move beneath you when it isn’t, then welcome. Here’s my survival guide:

1. Sleep.

2. Eye masks

3. Have a child that sleeps.

4. Do not drink more than two coffees and have them both with breakfast

5. Drink lots of water

6. Someone else can do the driving unless you’re up to it.

7. Chocolate. Actually, this might not help at all, but it’s nice to have. Wine too. Actually, wine makes me feel sleepy.

If any of these are missing it could all go awry. That or your child that sleeps wakes up at the same time as you too, so you don’t go to sleep but they do, and you fear moving to get some space to sleep in case you wake them up.

Jetlag normally takes a week to sort itself out with me, yet on the way out to Australia it took three days. This is a record, considering it takes me a week to adjust when the clocks change in the UK and that’s only an hour.

Eye masks help block out bright mornings. You might look ridiculous with one on, but who cares? If it gives you an extra hour or two of zz’s then so what.

Having a child that sleeps helps a lot. Having a child that sleeps while resting her legs across you, lesser so. I didn’t get a lot of sleep on the flight either way. Mind, she didn’t either when she decided to wake up and chat to me about what she was watching on the in-flight entertainment. When we got home we both fell asleep two nights in a row at 7.30, and slept through until 5.30am. (apart from the obligatory 2am toilet call for me, my body thinking it was breakfast time)

She looked cool in her Toy Story eye mask as well. I might steal it. That’s not a bad thing is it?

On returning to the UK, do not under any circumstances whatsoever sleep through the day. There’s no point, if you’re like me then you’ll never sleep at night. Instead, walk around like a zombie and forget everything you set out to do. Thank the gods of tv programmes that you left the V+ box on so you have three episodes of The Great British Bake Off to watch, while your child recreates the recipes in Play Doh. Coffee is also out. One cup is allowed first thing, but after that it’s water all the way, baby.

The exception to that is work when you absolutely must have four coffees in quick succession to get through the day, as well as an additional one in the afternoon which will also prevent a 7.30 bedtime. It also prevents a midnight bedtime, but who’s keeping check?

When the floor starts to move beneath you but you’re not actually moving, it’s okay! It’s just bedtime – at 2pm in the afternoon. Jetlag is also dealt with better if you know how to count. Seven is an awkward number but as long as you think 24 hour it’s manageable. So when someone chats to you about work things you’ve missed and you find yourself responding to what they said (in your head) over an hour later on the train home, don’t worry, it’s just jetlag.

Oh, and to help keep the jetlag at bay, make sure to make several appointments where people have to deliver or pick up things – like a three seater settee – and make sure you stand in the doorway blocking it as they try to take it out, because you’re ‘holding the door’ which of course is completely pointless and only made sense because you’re tired. Make sure to talk to the Ocado man about how you’ve only just got home from your holidays today and then nod off when he tells you about somewhere hot he used to live because you only talked to him to stay awake and now he wants to have a conversation and it’s the last thing you can face.

Schedule blog posts. That way you can completely confuse yourself, when you check your blog the next day and say “did I really post this?!” without having any recollection of having done so at that time. Extra bonus point if you schedule it for the time you’d be getting on the train.

Also, try to pay for shopping with your Oyster card.

I think things may get back to normal next week.. until then, I read vitamin c helps so I think a large vodka and orange is on the cards. We have chocolate. We have a giant chocolate Australia. It’s like it was made for nights like tonight.

Chocolate Australia

One surefire way to make yourself snap out of it is when you realise your child is back at school next week and has grown 2cm since the end of term and that she needs new clothes. Seriously, she’s 122cm now, how did that happen?!