2015 has been a funny old year. One where I’ve felt more in control of myself and my emotions, but out of control of other things.
My back troubles of previous years, accompanied with various muscular aches seem to have gone (for now), possibly helped with the warmer weather. Maybe it’s a sign.
Work has been the same old thing, which has kept me sane at times and driven me mad – but I’m happy and still there. It went crazy busy at the end of the year and we coped, and I think that deserves a big pat on the back. Also – I was only off sick for two days last year. That relates to my back as well. I want to keep it up, I don’t particularly enjoy being at home.
Home. What is home, anyway? We live in a house owned by someone else who gave us a £230 rent increase per month this year. It’s safe to say this place doesn’t feel like a home, just someone else’s bricks. Maybe that’s a sign too.
But then I enjoy being around my family. The only family I’ve spent time with this year are Shaun and H – we didn’t go to Australia (we had no plans to), and I got to York for a few hours, so saw my mum and sister just the once. Shaun and H are my world and they help keep me sane.
Sane? Because I’m changing too. This year I’ve accepted I’m in perimenopause, the hot flushes have arrived (especially when I’m stressed) and anxiety has joined in too. The palpitations and feeling like you’re burning up are not much fun. So I’m focusing on me, trying to find ways to cope. As Shaun said last night “what sets it off?” – and I couldn’t explain. It isn’t like there’s a magic switch which you can just turn off. So that’s why when H can’t explain her angry outbursts, I understand. Sometimes you can’t, sometimes you can. We’re all changing. We’re changing too soon.
So here we are, New Year’s Eve. We were meant to go out tonight but I need to get out tomorrow, to go to the sea. I always go to the sea on New Year’s Day, start the year fresh, ready to fight again. I’ve had almost three weeks off work and I’ve started sleeping for longer times again, apart from when I get anxious – like today. I’m focusing on me, on us, on family. On staying sane.
I’ve put on weight again, so will be setting myself targets to make it go away, like going to the gym again. Bake Off kind of stopped me doing that with it being on so early and at the time I’d be having my workout. That was August. Slap my hand. That will live over at Mum Friendly, as I try to get back on track.
As for Shaun, he’s running again. Twice since Christmas and I’m so proud of him getting back into it and pushing himself. H? She’s doing well, and is settling well into being a moody six year old who screams a lot when she doesn’t get her own way. Fun times.
So yes, 2016. It’s going to be a year of changes. Well, not for me. I’ll look back in November and wonder where the year has gone. H will have started Junior School and Brownies, and will hopefully start guitar lessons too. I just need my family and to stay sane, while living in this place we call a home. It ain’t all bad.
Happy New Year.